March Story

Sometimes I think to myself, if I were Wendy and I met Peter Pan, I would like to accept his offer to stay as a child for eternity. Being a grown up is not as fun as I used to think. As a child you always want to grow up so you can practically do anything you want without parents saying no to everything you want to try. Honestly, that’s an absolutely wrong thought and someone has to clarify that. “Kids, why don’t you just live your childhood to your fullest?”

The more you grow up, the bigger responsibility you ought to take, the clearer you see how this cruel world really is, the more you know the things you’d wish you never knew. I’m turning 18 years old this year, but why deep inside I feel like nothing has changed since I was 12? This feeling, this way of thinking, this smile, my definition of happiness… Time has passed, my body has grown taller, but some things sure never change.

When I checked my calendar, I was like “Gosh, it’s March already.”

In less than two months I’ll be doing my national exam. Graduation, and then start a new path as a college student. Should I be happy? I dunno, how should I know when my thoughts and feeling are all mixed up? It feels like riding a roller coaster without a mental preparation, where you’re forced to go through a journey in a high speed – so fast till you don’t even know what you’ve been through and choose to close your eyes instead.

There are lots of things bugging my mind. School, friends, family, future, love… Why are there so many aspects in one’s life? Hm.

As a third grader, this year is my final year studying in a school. I’ve been doing endless exams and studying lately, yet I still feel so far from being prepared. Senior high is a real thing, so much different from junior high back then. I need to consider everything, every step I take. It’s just that I’m still stuck with my old friend, carelessness. Why can’t I just make friends with luck? Where has he gone? Luck hasn’t been around lately. And I have to blame myself for being down – hate to admit it but I’m just the type to feel down when something doesn’t go as I expected. I hate losing, but I hate myself even more for not being able to accept a loss. When I received the results of my recent practice test, they’re not as good as I have expected. And it makes me wonder why. Why is it when I feel like I can do it, the results turn out to be the other way around? Is it what they call “Man proposes, God disposes?” Gah. Seriously.

Today my teacher told me a story. Well, he had told it the other day, but I believe he just loves that story that he doesn’t mind to repeat it once again. Okay. I don’t need to re-tell the story (to keep the copyright), so I just take the moral lesson (or coda, in English lesson).

“When you love someone, you just have to pursue him/her before it gets too late.”

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no love lesson in my school, but he happened to tell a story about his past and it is quite interesting, indeed. Honestly, I felt touched listening to story, like, “Why why why the story just fits mine?” It makes me re-think about my own position. I felt like being the girl in the story, or was it just my imagination? (who knows?) And I asked myself, “Is this how my story’s gonna end if I keep everything silent?”

Like I said. It’s not that I don’t want to, but there are lots of things need to be considered. My head keeps playing the same picture I don’t wish to see. The day I ought to say “good bye” and regret all the things I’ve done. I can’t bear it, I’d rather stay in the safe place. But it’s not okay anyway…

Just if my life was like the Sims, when I took a wrong step, I could re-do it all over again. But in fact I can’t, this life is only once.

Over all, I’m still grateful that I have lots of good people surrounding me. My friends, I know I can trust and rely on them. My besties, I know they will always be there for me. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I know that I can’t stay like this forever, I need to grow up, mentally. Somehow.